Stiffing Bank of Mom and Dad

I previously wrote that my Snowball Plan will come to a screeching halt now that I'm purchasing a condo. In actuality, I've just revised my Snowball Plan, yet again, to include my anticipated new debts: my mortgage and the down payment lent to me by Bank of Mom.

Come 10/31/2011, my debts will look something like this:

10/31/11	Fed'l Sub'd Student Loan	$ 50,558.49	@ 5.125%	Fixed
	Mortgage	$ 274,000.00	@ 3.875%	Fixed
	Down Payment	$ 68,500.00	@ 0.000%	Fixed
	TOTAL	$ 393,058.49

Based upon these estimates, here's my new Snowball Plan ver. 3.0.

I know that the "real" Snowball Plan requires me too pay off my debts in the order of the smallest balance to the largest. I do plan to pay off my smallest debt first, but I'll also be snowflaking $4,000/year to my Bank of Mom debt.

Some would argue that the $4k/year snowflake should be applied to my student loans instead of to Bank of Mom. But I feel that Bank of Mom deserves the not-so-insignificant snowflaking since she was generous enough to lend me the money interest-free. Additionally, my mom's 69. God knows how much longer she'll live. She got a relatively clean bill of health recently so I'm thinking that she'll be good for at least another 10 years. Hence, my goal is to pay off Bank of Mom in 10 years. I guess I should also be prepared to make a balloon payment for the balance in the event my mom's health deteriorates prematurely. The bottom line is, I intend to take my debt to Bank of Mom seriously and will treat it no differently than any other debt to a "real" creditor.

I'm going to switch gears now and I'm going to engage in some catty gossip. My best friend recently confided to me that she and her husband also "borrowed" approximately $20,000 from the husband's parents for their down payment. It's been 8 years and they've paid back $0.00 so far. In the mean time, they've taken vacations, bought a new car and made improvements to their house. My BFF claims she feels guilty for stiffing the in-laws, but not guilty enough to initiate a repayment plan. My BFF further feels that it's her husband's responsibility to make the repayment arrangements since they are his parents.

I'm appalled at my friend's cavalier attitude about how she and her husband are stiffing Bank of Mom and Dad. I guess since her in-laws haven't said a "peep" about being repaid, perhaps the in-laws intended to "gift" the money. Either way, the issue has been swept under the rug and no one is dealing with it.

I'm a bit disappointed with my friend. No matter how you slice it, she and her husband are deadbeats. They're deadbeats because they're stiffing their family members on a significant sum. Even assuming that the in-laws were willing to gift the money, my friend and her husband are deadbeats since they didn't pay taxes on the non-exempt portion of the amount that was gifted to them.

I wonder if the in-laws have forgotten about the "loan"? Or I wonder if it will always stay in the back of their minds that their kid and his wife stiffed them?

Give More Than You Get

I've made a personal commitment to live by this motto.

In the past, I lived by the motto, "Do unto others as they have done for me." For example, if some one didn't do "X" for me, I won't do "X" for them either. I guess in many ways this is a pragmatic way to live. But it also made me miserable because I was keeping score. And I've come to the conclusion that keeping score is exhausting, limiting and ultimately, self-defeating.

Don't get me wrong - - I have no intention of trying to make friends with those who have intentionally wronged or back-stabbed me in the past. I'm just talking about those people who haven't necessarily reciprocated my kind gestures in the past.

I bring this up because my BFF told me, "If 'giving more than you get' is your motto, you're going to discover that you got taken advantage of your entire life." My BFF said this with respect to my friend, "Tara," who I take out to lunch every year for her birthday. Tara has never remembered my birthday. This irked me for a while, but I came to the conclusion that I'm just being petty.

Tara is a single mother who is sandwiched between taking care of her college-bound daughter and a sick, invalid father. She has a lot on her plate and I doubt remembering my birthday is high on her priority list. Besides, I haven't really cared about my birthday since I turned 30 either.

My BFF said, "Tara is just using you and she'll see you nothing other than a free meal-ticket. She will do nothing for you. You watch." Of course, my BFF has never met Tara and is casting a broad judgment based upon this one issue. Fact of the matter is, Tara wouldn't care if I never paid for her lunch. I just take Tara out to lunch on her birthday because it's an excuse to get together and catch up. She never expects or have asked to be taken out.

I took Tara out to lunch for her birthday last week. She offered and even insisted on paying for her own meal, but I paid anyways. She finally sheepishly said, "You always do this for me and I don't even know your birthday. When is it?" I told her my birthday was in June but didn't say the specific day . After all, I don't take her out with the expectation that she'll take me out for mine.

On a side note, my BFF complains that she has no "girl-friends" that she can hang out with. What she really means is that she has no friends that she deems worthy to hang out with. I guess when you expect your friends to reciprocate every kind thing you do for them, you're pretty much going to limit your circle of friends.

My Father Passed Away This Early Morning

I guess the title says it all. In all honesty, I'm more relieved than anything. I saw my father last on November 1st. I tried to encourage him to stay positive but he replied, "Every time I try to think positively, it just seems like I run into set backs. It's as though I shouldn't even try to be positive. All I wanted was to die quickly and painlessly. I can't even succeed at that." My father was a broken man in life and he wasted away in pain during his last months. For whatever he suffered in life, I hope he is happy in the afterlife. Rest in peace, Dad.

Right now, I'm struggling with the conflict between juggling family/cultural obligations vs. financial responsibility. For example, I suspect that my father's brother (my uncle) wants my father's ashes to be buried in the family plot in the old country. I'm not certain, but it appears that the Buddhist Temple would require a yearly maintenance fee or rent that could potentially cost anywhere between $200 - $1,000/year. My mother also believes we need to go back to the old country to hold a memorial for my father's family. The travel costs during the holiday + memorial costs (feeding my father's extended family) could easily run $20,000.

I hate to think of my father in terms of dollar-and-cents, but is it really my burden to carry on this potentially never-ending financial obligation, especially when my father didn't plan for it himself? Am I a bad daughter for even thinking in these terms?

I also feel guilty for feeling grateful that my father passed away before his term life insurance lapsed. This means we'll have some money (~$200k) to hold in trust for my mother in the event she needs to go into an assisted living facility. I'm glad my sister and I had the foresight to file my parent's bankruptcy so that this life insurance money can be preserved for the care of my mother.

There's just something tasteless about not wanting to do something for a deceased parent due to money. But at the same time, I need to do what's financially responsible for me. Where do I draw the line? What are my filial duties and obligations? Perhaps this is one of those questions that have no right-or-wrong answers.

Placed My Father In a Nursing Home This Weekend

My sister, for the past few months, has been trying to get my father approved for Medicaid Long Term Care to help pay for my dad's Adult Daycare costs. At the time she initiated the process, my father was deemed "too healthy" and has "too much income" to qualify for Medicaid.

With respect to his income, I finally filed my parents' Ch. 7 bankruptcy petition on 9/30/10. This will free up my parents' income for their own care, rather than paying back overwhelming credit card debts. My sister and I also set up a "Miller" Trust" to get past the Medicaid income requirement. In a nutshell, my dad's entire monthly income will go into the Trust, with my sister acting as Trustee. My sister is required to disburse my father's income for various approved expenses: my dad's personal needs, spousal support to my mother and reimbursement to Medicaid. At the end of every month, my father's monthly income will need to be spent completely for all approved expenses. Anything left over, gets handed over to Medicaid.

With respect to his health, my father appears to have lost all will to live. He won't eat and spends most of his days and nights just sleeping. He can barely remain standing or sitting upright for a minute before he has to lie down. He was approved for hospice care, which will be paid by Medicare. My father will probably undergo a second-round of health evaluation by a Medicaid nurse to see whether he now qualifies. (He undoubtedly will qualify now.)

My family concluded that my dad is now beyond my sister's or my mother's ability to properly care for him. My dad doesn't make his care-giving any easier with his disrespectful attitude towards my mother and my sister. (On the flip side, when standing in his shoes, I wouldn't want my last days being at the mercy of people I hated either.) No matter how you looked at it, we all felt that placing him in a nursing home was the best option.

My sister and my mother went to look at various Medicaid-approved nursing homes. What they found were shocking. All of the commercial facilities that resemble mini-hospitals were "private pay"-only facilities that charged upwards of $5000/month-$7000/month. When my sister mentioned "Medicaid," these private-pay facilities hung up on her.

All of the Medicaid-approved facilities were run by private individuals out of single-family homes. I had the opportunity to inspect two facilities - one was a depressing home with a wall-eyed "nurse" dressed in sweats and a dirty t-shirt. The room was dark and dingy and the carpeting looked stained and dusty. I didn't even bother to inspect the bathrooms.

The second home was a bright, clean home with the proprietor's licenses prominently displayed in the lobby. The nurses at this home wore medical scrubs and looked very professional. The bathrooms were handicap-accessible and clean. The second home charged $2,500/month for a small, private bedroom. My sister and my mother both agreed that this second facility was the best out of all they've inspected. There was an immediate vacancy on 9/27. My sister and I debated whether we should wait until my father was approved for Medicaid or whether we should place him immediately and pay out-of-pocket in the interim.

We concluded that the bigger risk was to wait for Medicaid approval and the nursing home would no longer have a vacancy. We sucked it up, paid $2,500 for the first month and placed my dad in the facility this past Saturday. My dad didn't argue, fight or resist the transfer. The nurses gave him a cup of Ensure blended with some ice cream (the only thing he will consume) and he went to sleep. We visited him again yesterday morning and the only thing he complained about was that his internet wasn't working. When we fixed his internet, he promptly went back to sleep.

Watching my father wither away makes me wonder - - is there any reason to keep someone alive who is clearly terminally ill and no longer has the will to live?

Last Will and Testament

My father is dying. He's diabetic, suffers from dementia and currently weighs less than 108 lbs. He recently got his blood test results back and it doesn't look good. With CEA levels of >500 mcg/L, he probably has colorectal cancer as well. My father has opted not to get any invasive testing since he also does not want any treatment.

My father was a passive man with little to no initiative to improve his life. (I say "was," since with his diminished mental capacity, there's no point in criticizing him for what he is now.) He was unemployed for most of my childhood until my mother had to pull some nepotism strings to get him a job. It's no wonder that my parents currently have $60,000 in credit card debt with absolutely no assets.

My father never took much care for personal relationships either. He is estranged from my mother and refuses to speak to or acknowledge her although they live together with my sister. When my sister and I were growing up, he never really took any interest or effort to get involved in our lives.

While driving to Phoenix couple of months ago, I borrowed a chick-lit audiobook called "Best Friends Forever" by Jennifer Weiner from the library. In the book, the main character, Addie, gets bullied by the school jocks who graffiti nasty stuff about her on her driveway. Addie's father helps her scrub off the graffiti and encourages her to keep her wits about her since the harassment will eventually end. This made me sad since I don't EVER recall an occasion that my father consoled me when I was down. For example, when I was in the eighth-grade, my classmates ditched me during a class-outing. I came home crying and told my parents what happened. I distinctly remember my father continued to do whatever he was doing. Typical.

Anyhow, what little effort my father spent in developing a relationship with his family, he spent less with others. He really has no one he can call his best friend, other than his younger brother.

The sad life of my father is reflected in his "Last Will and Testament" that he emailed my sister and me. Below is a translation:

This year in October, I will turn 74 years old. I don't know how much longer I will live, so I am setting forth a simple "last will and testament."

Upon my death, please notify the following 3 people:

1.) My younger brother,
2.) Mr. K.M. I am the person who nominated him for various positions he currently holds, so I doubt he would object to your notifying him about my death,
3.) The Buddhist Temple in the old country where the family grave is located. Since I have not been making any offerings to the Temple and since you girls are now US citizens, please notify the Temple that there will be no future communications on behalf of the Family upon my death.

When you dispose of my body, you may also dispose all of my personal belongings as you see fit.

I am sorry that I couldn't do much for my family. I understand that I have a small life insurance policy. Whatever is left over from the proceeds, please give to your mother.

It's very sad to see in writing that my father accomplished little towards a fulfilling life. If anything, though, I see my father as a cautionary tale. As a result, I am putting more effort into nurturing my personal relationships. (Hence, the lack of posts.) At the end of the day, I want people to remember me fondly for who I am, not because they owe me a debt of gratitude. Whatever petty issues I have with my family and friends, I need to let them go. As long as I am willing to give more than I get, that shouldn't be a problem.

With respect to personal finances, my father recently gave me some advice:

Last month, my sister an I took our parents to Las Vegas to celebrate Father's Day and my birthday. Since my mother and my father absolutely detest each other, I stayed in one room with my father and my sister stayed with my mother in the other. (How much more dysfunctional can my family be?)

Anyhow, while my father and I were getting ready for dinner, my father looked at a bottle of Fiji water at the mini-bar. My father commented that when he was working in Australia, a co-worker suggested a trip to Fiji and New Zealand. My father said, at the time, he thought that was such a big waste of money and didn't go. He said, "I now wonder whether I should've gone. Now at the end of my life, I think I perhaps I should've taken opportunities when they presented themselves and not be so stingy." Pearls of wisdom from my father. Late, but better than never.

My Parents Are Moving In With My Big Sis... Today

Lately, the phrase, "the best laid plans of mice and men oft go astray," is running through my head frequently. I previously wrote about how my big sis was planning to buy a house in Arizona and rent it out to my parents in the event that her employer transferred her to another state. I petulantly pouted and threw a tantrum that if my sister went through with the plan, she'll need to take care of my parents, not me.

Well... turns out, my big sis IS taking care of my parents since they're moving in with her. TODAY.

My big sis closed on her brand spankin' new home on New Year's Eve. She bought a 3 BR/2.5 Bath, 1750 sq. ft. home with granite counter tops, all stainless steel appliances (incl. washer/dryer), window treatments AND landscaping inclusive for $250k. (For those of us who live in expensive States, doesn't this make you sick?)

Anyhow, I digress. About a couple of months ago, my sister noticed that my parents got a renewal notice from their landlord. My sister asked what my parents intended to do. My mother confided that they probably can't afford to continue to live in their apartment since they've been using their credit card cash advances to pay their rent. *EGADS*

In response, my sister offered to take them in for $675/month rent. My dad immediately accepted her offer. *DOUBLE EGADS*

My parents live on a fixed income, but not a shabby one. They take in about $3,300/month in pensions and Social Security. So how come they can't afford to pay ~$1,200/month in rent?

Over the past two months, my sister and I have been trying to piece together my parents' finances. Although we're not certain yet, this is what we estimate:

• Approx. $40k in credit card debt;
• My father never signed up for Medicare Part D (prescription drug coverage). His monthly prescription drugs cost about $300-$400/month.
• Supplemental health insurance cost about $500/month.
  

Doing the math, there’s no reason why my parents can’t make ends meet. But I suspect there are other "financial bombs" that my sister and I haven't yet uncovered. My parents hate each other and refuse to speak to one another. Both are passive-aggressive and obstinate. They refuse to listen to one another. Neither will admit to, or take responsibility for their current situation. Worse yet, neither has any clue regarding what financial obligations they have. *Sigh*

My mom often cries that she wants death to come a day sooner. My dad has been telling anyone that would listen, that his family neglects and abuses him. (My dad is suffering from advanced dementia. For the record, no one is abusing or neglecting him. If anything, he is the one that is emotionally abusive to us all.)

It is appalling to my sister and me that my parents can't seem to appreciate how lucky they are. They are not destitute - - they have over $3,000 in monthly income. ($3k/month NPV is probably more than I can expect in my retirement!) They have children that are willing to step in to care for them. (My parents see this as a cultural birthright, so of course they wouldn't consider this "lucky." *Sigh* Gotta set them straight on this one eventually.) Yet, all they can see is how miserable their lives are.

Being happy or miserable is not only a state of mind but a life choice. I agree that my parents are not in the best financial state. But that's the consequence of their poor (read: no) planning. Rather than accepting the consequences of their failures and attempting to make right, they both claim they are just plain "unlucky." My parents have made their choice to wallow in misery. How sad and depressing.

I tried explaining to my parents that being "lucky" or "unlucky" is not an issue of chance, but is reflective of one's attitude and effort in creating one's luck. The common characteristics of "lucky" people are:

• being skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities;
• taking risks on opportunities;
  
• being flexible and don’t define themselves by others' expectations;
• being able to make decisions by listening to their intuition;
  
• being able to maintain positive expectations;
• being able to “not give up” and manage to transform bad luck into good.
  

As the 18th Century Irish Author and Physician Oliver Goldsmith once said, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

My parents lack all of the characteristics of a "lucky" person. I guess they are indeed unlucky, but unlucky by choice.

Update - Dealing With My Parents

Wow. Thank you all so much for the outpouring of support and understanding. It really means a lot to me and I'm touched. Although this may sound selfish, I find it somewhat comforting to know that other people are struggling with the same issues I am (and even worse).

Anyhow, my posts in the near term will focus primarily on issues dealing with my parents versus my own finances.

The past couple of weeks have made me want to slam my head into the wall. Not only is it bad enough that my mother allowed my father, who suffers from dementia, to drive, she's been allowing him to handle their finances. She says my father, in a fit of anger and paranoia, took away the handling of their finances from her years ago. Ever since then, she took a "not my problem" attitude and let my father do what he did despite knowing that his dementia was getting progressively worse. She blamed his belligerence and intransigence for her failure to intervene. Again, this is an example of my mother shirking her personal responsibilities and blaming others for her problems.

I'll post my mortifying discoveries in a future post.

I recently took a couple of days off from work to visit my parents' to get some financial and personal housekeeping done. The airfare + car rental + gas cost me $500+. Joy.

Anyhow, here's an update stuff my sister and I've managed to address since my last post:

1. I made copies of my parents' executed durable power of attorney and medical power of attorney and healthcare directive. My mother has made it clear with her actions and words that she has no intention of being my father's attorney-in-fact or agent. That means my sister and I have to step up to the plate.


2. I took my father to see his primary doctor. Before the visit, I had my father sign a limited consent form that authorized his doctor to release his medical care information to my sister and me. I gave the doctor a copy of my father's consent form and a copy of his medical power of attorney. I specifically instructed the doctor and his staff that all future communications involving my father should be with my sister or me.


3. I drove my father to the DMV to surrender his driver's license and to obtain a state-issued ID. During the visit, he also surrendered his license plate, where he would receive ~$54 back.


4. I then drove my parents' to see their auto insurance agent. During the visit, my parents signed a proof of loss and other collision-loss related documents. Their insurance company agreed to cover the loss of my parents' car for $12,506.15 minus $500 deductible minus payoff of car loan (est. $6,000). Looks like my parents won't have to worry about paying back the car loan. The insurance company is also dealing with the PD claim to the brick wall/store sign that my father plowed into. This claim is still pending.


5. Got my parents a Reduced Fare ID so they can take public transportation for 50% of the regular fare.


6. Toured an adult daycare facility with my parents. I told my father that we are planning to send him to such a facility to give my mother some respite care and to give him some "stimulation" that he claims he is seriously lacking in his life. My father seemed okay with the idea but my mother was clearly displeased. I've estimated that the cost will run approximately $72/day, including food and transportation. My sister and I are still crunching numbers as to how much my parents can afford to cover this cost until he qualifies for Medicaid.

And this brings me to our To-Do List:

1. Go through my parents' finances to determine their assets and liabilities and their monthly income. This will help us determine whether my parents will qualify for Medicaid.


2. Schedule a physical for both my mother and father so that they will be ADA (Americans With Disabilities Act) certified. Fill out ADA Service Eligibility application so that they will both get priority treatment when they use the Dial-A-Ride service.


3. Schedule appointments with my father's pulmonary specialist and neurologist and give them copies of his medical power of attorney and authorization to contact my sister and me.


4. Contact my parents' CPA and ask for copies of their past tax returns. If not, contact IRS. Verify whether my parents owe back taxes and/or penalties.


5. Apply for Medicaid and Medicaid Long Term Care System. Medicare generally does not cover for long term care costs such as nursing homes or adult daycare. Medicaid is a State and Federal Government program that pays for some long-term care services at home and in the community. Who is eligible and what services are covered vary from state to state. Most often, eligibility is based on income and personal resources.


6. Apply for state/community-based subsidized or free programs that encourage senior independent living, such as S.A.I.L.


7. Apply for volunteer-based programs that provide free transportation.

I am currently resentful, angry, disappointed, frustrated and ultimately ashamed of my parents. Please be aware that I'm not feeling this way because they are helpless, poor or ill. I feel this way because they seem resigned and content to do nothing, assuming that my sister and I will take care of them if all goes to pot. They have absolutely no incentive or motivation to try to make things work. In a future post, I will reveal what my mother said to me recently, which made my blood boil and steam come out of my ears.

I really want to take a "not my problem" attitude that my mom was all too happy to take over the years. But I know the longer I ignore this and don't take control, things will only get worse. And my sister and I will have to clean up my parents' avalanche of a mess.

My New Resolution to Declutter and Stop Hoarding

I got a gift of a small jar of caviar this Christmas and I’ve been savoring its briny, popping goodness little-by-little, until I came near the bottom of the jar the other night. There was probably less than a teaspoonful left when I said to myself, "Better save that for later." And then I paused and thought to myself, "Save it for later for what? Why not just finish it off now?"

You may find this odd, but something clicked inside my head at that very moment. It was indeed a strange, "lightbulb" moment where I vowed to declutter, stop hoarding and stop purchasing stuff I don’t intend to consume immediately.

Bear with me while I digress a bit. My thoughts aren’t necessarily organized since this self-realization is a cumulation of recent events.

This past Christmas, my family and I went to IKEA to look for some furniture for my sister’s new house. While we were wandering through the store, my father noticed a small box of pencils provided by IKEA for its customers to mark down merchandise numbers. I watched my father take a couple of pencils and stuff them in his pants. At the next pencil box, I watched my father take another couple pencils. I stepped in front of my father when he gleefully tried to make a beeline towards the next pencil box. I said, "You’ve had enough. Don’t take anymore." Taken aback, my father mumbled, "Oh, okay." My sister was more direct, "Put them back." My father refused.

My mother told my sister and me that my father’s been doing this for years. He brings home buckets of golf balls from the golf range, toilet paper/tissue boxes from hotel rooms, fist-full of mints from restaurants, blankets from airplanes, etc. When my mother told my father to stop, he became belligerent and obstinate so she’s since stopped trying. She sighed and said he probably committed thievery during the war, during his poverty-stricken youth. He stopped as he matured and dug himself out of poverty. But now, with his dementia clouding his common sense and judgment, he’s reverted back to his old habits.

This made me wonder whether some trauma in our life causes long-lasting behavioral problems. I wonder, since over the years, I’ve developed one particularly disgusting habit - - I hoard.

Note: Not my fridge.

I think my own personal "trauma" started several years ago, when I maxed out my credit card and got rejected for a new one. I was a week away from payday, had nothing in my savings or checking, had no money or credit to buy groceries. For a couple of days, I survived on stale bread and Top Ramen I bought from God-knows-when. Thank goodness I had a pre-paid business trip that week, where food and drinks would be provided by my employer. I guess you could say I had a Scarlett O’Hara moment where I vowed, "I’ll never go hungry again!"

Now, I realize that I’m being over-dramatic about what happened. I had other options besides going hungry. I could’ve easily called my friends or sister for some money. But I just couldn’t bring myself to admit to my friends and family how bad of a financial situation I was in. I guess you could say my false pride traumatized me.

Ever since then, I’ve been telling myself to, "Save that for later. I may need it." Over the years, my freezer’s been stuffed with items that I’ve "saved for later." If you look in my freezer today, you’ll find bag of chicken wings that has one drummette, a bag of pita with couple of pockets, a box of pyrogies with 2 dumplings, a 1/4 bag of hashbrowns, etc., etc. You get the idea. Many items are so freezer-burned that they’re now inedible. What I've saved for later, that "later" never came.

My closet is similar. I’ve got clothes dating back to when I was in college that I can't/won't wear anymore. Yet somewhere in my mind, "I may need it for later." I somehow can't bring myself to donate something I haven't worn in over a decade.

It made me sad to see my father as a petty thief. Since I’ve also inherited a lot of physical characteristics from my father - - my looks, dark complexion, my curly hair, my asthma, etc. - - I am petrified that I will one day become like him. There's nothing much I can do about genetics but I know I can change my habits and way of thinking. I am hoping that if I make an ongoing and concerted effort now to stop hoarding and completely consume what I buy, I may not end up like my dad or those sad people you see on A&E's show, "Hoarders."

I'm slowly cleaning out my freezer. I've been tossing out items that are completely overtaken by freezer-burn and finishing off what's still edible. I've also cleaned out two bagfuls of clothes and shoes out of my closet. And I still have more to go. This will be a work-in-progress that will take weeks, if not months, to accomplish.

Anyhow, going back to the caviar - - I scooped out the final teaspoon and ate it all. And it was the best tasting part.

Should I Set Aside Money for Morbid Reasons?

I've set aside $5,000 of my recent windfall for my parents. No, I'm not planning to give it to them - - I'm thinking about setting it aside to deal with their eventual death.



It's no secret that my parents seriously mismanaged their finances. They don't own their own home (they rent) and they live off of Social Security (which barely pays their rent) and a small pension from my dad's old job. They have no retirement or savings to speak of and no life insurance. My dad bought himself a $200,000 term life insurance policy that will expire some time in 2011.

My mom (age 67) is in relative good health, but my dad (age 73) is a complete mess. He suffers from serious COPD, or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Just think of the person with the worst case of asthma you know, who's constantly wheezing and sucking on an inhaler/nebulizer. If that wasn't bad enough, my dad suffers from advanced dementia. When I saw my dad this past holiday, his memory loss has progressed to the point that he can't even remember what he did/ate the night before. And one last thing -- my dad's a diabetic. In other words, my dad is no longer insurable for life insurance.

My parents have made no plans for their death. No wills or trusts (not that they need one since they have no assets) and no pre-planned funerals. With no life insurance, the cost of dealing with their death will be borne by my sister and me.

This article talks about how to plan for a frugal funeral. The best way to save money on a funeral is to plan it and pay for it now. According to AARP, the price of a funeral doubles an average of every seven to 10 years. You could also spread out the payments over several years and the price still won't change. The pre-paid money is put into an insurance policy or a trust and can't be touched. Merchandise isn't bought and stored.

I don't expect or wish for my parents' imminent death. I just want to be prepared for it now. After all, there are 2 certainties in life, tax and death. I haven't broached my parents with this topic yet and I'm not quite sure how without giving them the impression that I want them dead.

I asked an older friend for advice about this and she felt that the money should be spent on the living. Since there is very limited time left where my parents will be both mobile, perhaps I should use the money to go on a vacation with them. She especially feels that my mom deserves a break for caring for my sick dad. I have to admit, my mom's caretaker fatigue is clearly showing.

What do you think?

Friend On A Financial Path to Disaster

I have a mature friend who is turning 60 next year who frustrates me since she seems to be on the path to financial destruction. I've kept my mouth shut since I'm no paragon of financial responsibility. But it's been hard.



Here's her story:

This all started a couple of years ago. My friend (let's call her "Tina") and I often discussed our financial problems caused by our high debt loads. Tina is a spendthrift and she often quickly racks up $40,000 in credit card debts. Her solution often meant refinancing her modest home she got in her divorce about eleven years ago. In her divorce, she took on the existing mortgage from her ex that was worth about $72,000. In 2002, she refinanced her home for $136,750 and took out a second mortgage worth $20,000. In 2003, she refinanced her home yet again for $141,750. Because this was a easy solution and she didn't make any lifestyle changes, she often got herself right back into horrendous credit card debt.

Around that time, Tina broke up with her longtime boyfriend and literally went on the prowl. She met another mature man similar in age at a bar (let's call him "Bubba"). Bubba is an American who spent the past 25 years in another country south of the equator. Over the past 20 years, he worked as a developer/general contractor, got married, got divorced, had children in this foreign country. Of course, during this time, he never paid a cent of U.S. taxes while living abroad. (I'll get to this later.)

Everything about Bubba rang alarms in my head. First off, he lied to Tina about still being in a relationship when they first hooked up. Once things got hot and steamy, Bubba confessed and broke it off with his live-in girlfriend. Tina forgave him saying, "He was in a bad relationship and I helped him see the light."

Tina and Bubba courted long-distance for a few months, after which Bubba announced he was moving back to the U.S. My second alarm went off. I told Tina that she probably shouldn't let Bubba move in with her immediately. She brushed off my concerns and said, "We're older and we don't have much time left where we're both able-bodied and healthy. I want to spend as much time with him as possible. He's moving in." I also questioned how he could just pick up and leave his kids? "The kids are all adults." Tina didn't think it was strange that Bubba would be so willing to move back to the U.S. since, (a) he's an American and (b) he has family living here.

Once Bubba moved to the U.S., Tina started involving Bubba in everything she did. Girl's night out? Bubba tagged along. Lunch with former co-workers during the work week? Bubba was invited. Bubba had all the time in the world, since he was unemployed. But to give Bubba some credit, at least he does the cooking for Tina. He also helped doing some remodeling work in the yard.

A few months ago, Bubba got a job working at CVS. But I've now learned that he's no longer working there due to back problems. I also learned that Tina not only gave Bubba free shelter, but she also added him to her workplace health insurance as a "domestic partner." (Who knew in California, unmarried Seniors qualify as a "domestic partners"?) He underwent couple of expensive surgeries (ear drum repair and hernia) and he needs another one for his herniated disc.

Tina claimed to me that Bubba was financially secure. But she apparently confessed to others (who are less critical of Bubba) that he had deep financial problems in the foreign country due to bad real estate deals. I suspect this was probably the reason why he was so eager to move back to the U.S.

The bottom line - - Bubba contributes nothing financially to Tina's household.

During the past couple of years, Tina's spending went out of control. She bought a new SUV that she's financed on an 8-year term. She also decided to construct an addition to her home for which Bubba was supposed to be the general contractor. But since he's unlicensed in the U.S., Tina ended up hiring a GC. She also refinanced her home yet again to pay for the remodeling work. I don't know what she refinanced her home for, but she admitted she'll be paying her mortgage until she's in her 90's. (Keep in mind that her original mortgage amount was $72,000. By 2003, her mortgage more than doubled to $162k. I suspect that she's probably up to about $185,000 now. Her home is currently worth about $293,000.)

Additionally, I'm not sure how much Tina's 401k took a beating last year, but I'm quite certain that she did not have a conservative asset allocation. About a couple of years ago, she claimed her 401k was worth $250,000. Assuming it's probably near $250,000 today, I don't think she has enough saved to support both herself and Bubba in retirement. Even while working, she can't support herself and Bubba since she's (again) racked up credit card debts.

Did I also mention Tina has an adult daughter living at home who is also not working? God knows when the daughter will move out in this recession.

Oh yeah. Remember how Bubba never paid a cent of U.S, taxes during the past 25+ years while living abroad? I doubt he qualifies for Social Security or Medicare.

Everyone seems happy for Tina that she's found the "love of her life" in Bubba. I'm not suggesting that she dump Bubba since he seems to make her happy. But I can't help wonder whether she's seeing into the future what I'm seeing. And it ain't pretty.

Worst and Best Gifts Ever

The First Lady told Oprah recently that her most treasured gift was a dollhouse. This made me wonder, what are my worst and best gift ever received?

After much thought, here they are:

WORST GIFT EVER: Make-Up Set
My ex gave me an expensive make-up set by Shiseido. I was thrilled until he said, "I thought I'd give you something you need."



Ahem..... Enough with the negativity! I want this post to be more about what makes a great gift, if not THE best gift.

And my BEST GIFT EVER is....

....a sock monkey!

Here's the boring backstory. Back in the '90s, Intel had a commercial that featured a sock monkey surfing the 'net in search of other playmates (and a soul mate).

I don't know why, but I was fascinated with this commercial because I'd never seen a "sock monkey" before. I really loved the fact that the sock monkey is quite ugly yet cute - - like a pug, an Ewok or a hairless cat. Anyhow, I casually mentioned to my sister how I loved this commercial. The following Christmas, I was pleasantly surprised when my sister presented me with a sock monkey kit. Although I liked sock monkeys, the kit remained untouched for months mainly because I can't sew. My mom, who worried that my sister would take offense, took it upon herself to make the sock monkey. The sock monkey has been my constant companion at work for the past 9 years.

At the time, I really didn't think much of this gift since it probably cost less than $20. But after nearly a decade, I'm starting to realize it's true value. My sock monkey is one-of-a-kind, and not because it's hand-made. It's special because it's proof that someone cared enough to listen to my useless drivel and remembered what I liked. It's priceless because every cut and every stitch was made with love. And the resulting product makes me smile everyday at work. Yeah, it's definitely the best gift ever.

Do I Need to Give Gifts to All of My "Assistants"?

Blogger Dog Ate My Finance's recent post about gift giving at the office reminded me that I probably need to get gifts for the admin staff.



Here's the conundrum I face and I'd appreciate your opinion. I work in a VERY small regional office and my employer laid off all admin staff in our office last year. Our office now shares one temp to do clerical stuff like make copies, scanning, filing, mailing, etc. The more technical stuff is spread amongst 6 different people in our home office. Some do more work than others, just based upon what they were assigned to do.

Do I need to get a gift for the temp + all 6 admin staff members? If so, should they all get the same thing? Should the few people who do more stuff for me get more? Or do you think I should just send one big gift basket for the admin staff in the home office to share? What do you think is the appropriate dollar figure for these gifts?

Thanks for your input!

Nobody Should Ever Wish On Their Deathbead That They Spent More Time At Work

A short while back, J. Money posted a cute story about an American Businessman's enlightenment about the balance between work and personal life.



An Anonymous commenter posted: "It seems like the old myth that no one on their death bed ever wished they'd spent more time at the office. The sad truth is that millions have reached the end of their life, locked away in some Dickensian nursing home, thinking to themselves - 'Hum, I really wish I would have tried harder to make something of myself.'"

Interesting, since I've come to the opposite conclusion, especially from my dealings with my dad.

My dad's an "old-school" man, stuck in the custom and culture of the old country. He was never active in my life, other than to provide (i.e. pay for) shelter, food, education and other necessities. When I was an infant, he rarely (if ever) changed my diapers or fed me. When I was a child, he never played with me or took interest in my personal life. I doubt he was ever able to name any of my teachers or my friends. He delegated my entire upbringing to my mom.

Anyhow, my dad was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment several years ago and my parents are emotionally, if not geographically, estranged from each other. Notwithstanding the emotional alienation, my mother still performs basic caregiving functions for my dad such as preparing meals, laundering and cleaning. As a result, mother is suffering from caretaker fatigue and resents my father.

I get stressed and depressed when my dad is around too. My dad claims he is starving for conversation. Yet I have nothing to say to him and he has nothing to say to me, other than to badmouth my mother. Because of his memory impairment, he can't converse about any current events. Even if I blather about nonsense to kill the awkward silence, he doesn't respond with anything meaningful to move the conversation further.

Truth be told, I don't really like spending much time with my dad. I have nothing in common with this man and never did. And since he didn't make any effort to spend any meaningful time with me during my youth, we really can't reminisce about the past either.

Don't get me wrong - - I am grateful to my dad. He gave me life and he supported me. That's why I've resigned myself to care for him when neither he nor my mom can care for himself. I hate to admit this, but he is a burden that I am not wholeheartedly eager to take on.

My father will likely die with no one, not even his daughter, truly missing him. (I am grateful that he is oblivious to this fact.) His monetary support has bought my gratitude, but not my affection or love. I think in the end, I don't think anyone ever thinks about whether they should've spent more time in the office. But I think some may wish they invested more time and effort in their relationships, since no one wants to die unloved.

Greedy Daughter Post -- Cont'd

In my prior post, I wrote, "I told my sister that ... if she [buys a rental property and rents to our parents], SHE will have to be the one to take care of our parents when there's an emergency. I should not be looked upon to care for my parents, especially if I'm not getting any money from parents." Some of you thought this was callous and cold, but also gave me the benefit of the doubt. So I guess some background information is in order.

My sister gets transferred around the country quite frequently by her employer. And by the nature of the work she does, she rarely gets to live in big cities. She often has to live in the ex-burbs (i.e., the sticks) where the closest airport may be about a 30 to 50 mile drive away. Over the past 10 years, she's lived in Maryland, Washington, Alabama and Texas. She is now moving to Arizona. I, on the other hand, have stayed put in San Diego for the past 9 years.

My sister has a strong personality and, in my opinion, is often not very empathetic. In some ways, she may just be more honest and upfront about airing her frustrations about our parents to their face than I. (I just rant and rave about them on my blog behind their backs. So perhaps I'm just two-faced.) My mom once confided in me that she often finds being alone with my sister a bit "unpleasant."

My parents have really never had any real emergencies in the past that required any significant assistance from my sister or me. But I know that my parents are now at an age where emergencies will arise, whether it's health related or financial. I also know that I'll probably be the one that gets the first call for assistance. Will I ever tell my parents to take a hike if they pay rent to my sister? Of course not.

I guess I made the comment to put my sister on notice that she can't use distance or inconvenience as an excuse to lay the lion's share of my parent's care on me. I especially feel this is true if her mortgage is going to be subsidized by our parents.

But some of the comments I received were enlightening. It never occurred to me that the landlord-renter relationship may not be as easy as I think it is. This would especially be true if my parents defaulted on their rent. (After all, they almost stiffed me in the past during financially tough times.) I guess I could also see friction arising if there are any disagreements about maintenance and upkeep of the property.

Bottomline is, family is family and fighting over money is really self-defeating and pointless.



Upon further reflection, I guess this was just a tangential rant about a more deep-seated fear of mine - - when and how much will I have to care for my parents in their old age?

Shtinkykat is Now Without A Cat

I put my cat MJ to sleep today.



He stopped eating on Saturday. He ate a little bit Sunday morning, which made me wonder whether he was just being finicky. But he stopped eating and drinking all together.

He defecated all over my bathroom mats during the wee hours of the night. When I pulled him away from the mat to clean, he wobbled a bit and collapsed from hunger and dehydration.

In hindsight, it was probably not the most financially prudent thing to have paid $650+ on a cat sitter while I was on business travel during the past month-and-a-half. But at the time, I just couldn't put him down when he was still eating and drinking.

It's unseasonably warm outside, but it feels really cold in my apartment right now... RIP, MJ. You were such a good friend and companion.

P.S.
I looked at the balance of my dwindling pet fund - - $206.05. Yesterday's office vist cost $205 - - $45 office visit + $60 euthanasia + $100 cremation. Oddly coincidental.

As Technology Moves Forward, I'm Tempted to Keep Pace

Sorry for the lack of posts, folks. I've been busy transferring my Hawaii vacation videos from my DV palmcorder cassettes to .avi format so that I can burn it onto a DVD for my family. My family's been miffed since I've had the tapes since 2005 and haven't shared it with them.

In the past, I just copied the DV cassettes onto VHS tapes to share, but my sister recently told me that she intends to throw out her VCR. She said with DVR, she has no need for a VCR. Great. So now I have to burn the family video onto DVDs. What I didn't realize was how slow and tedious this process is. (It takes about 15 minutes to transfer 30 seconds of data!)

I guess my palmcorder (that my parents purchased in 2003) is now "old technology" and new camcorders record images on a hard-drive or memory cards rather than casettes. The image transfers on the new camcorders are much quicker and efficient.

This reminded me of how I've been REALLY slow to keep pace with the march of technology. As you know, in the past week, I purchased my FIRST EVER digital camera. (I've been making do with my cell phone camera up until now.) I still don't own a iPod and I don't have DVR. I own a HDTV-ready LCD TV that I watch in analog.

In many ways, I'm glad I don't feel the need to have the newest and greatest gadgets. I rarely feel inconvenienced by the lack of new modern conveniences.

But when I started playing with my new digital camera, I marveled at how I was missing out on a lot of fun features I can play with. And now, with the excruciating process of transferring data from a DV cassette to DVD, I wish I had a modern camcorder. I guess this is what you call lifestyle inflation and I'm trying REALLY hard to resist it.

My Creeping Inferiority Complex

Do you ever talk with your friends and have this ugly monster called an inferiority complex creep in to your mind and soul? The past couple of weekends before last, I got together with some friends, all who seem to have a much, much better living standard than I.

All of my friends are responsible people and I assume none have the kind of debt I do (other than their mortage).

• Friend A is single with no children, living in one of the duplexes owned by her parents on the westside of L.A. at below-market rent. Her home is nicely decorated and she's been on a spending spree lately, dropping over $1,000 within the span of a couple weekends on clothes and accessories at trunk sales. Friend A is also in the market to buy a big, flat screen TV. Friend A says she is debt free.


• Friend B is married with two children, living in a 4 BR home she owns with her husband in the ex-burbs of Los Angeles (actually, Ventura County). She too has been on a spending spree, her latest purchase being her new toy, an iPhone. Her car recently blew past 200,000 miles and she casually commented that she wants a BMW.


• Friend C is also married with one child and owns a home in the westside of Los Angeles. He is currently driving a BMW whose lease is coming due, but has already purchased a brand new car. He is talking about getting his car lowered, getting snazzy rims, etc. etc.

A lot of our discussions were centered around consumerism. Here's a random sampling of our topics of discussion:

Flat Screen HDTV
Friend A said she was going to buy a flat screen HDTV. Friend B and her husband insisted that there's no point in owning a flat screen TV that's smaller than 50 inches, since you don't get the full effect of HD programming with anything smaller. I said, "I'm too cheap to get HD programs on my cable subscription. So buying a 50 inch TV is wasted on me. As a matter of fact, I don't even have DVR."

Hawaii Trip
Friend A, B and C and I were talking about our favorite islands in Hawaii. Friend A is an event planner for a nationwide company and she often gets to travel to fun, exotic places on business. She also gets comp'd by companies in the hospitality industry who want her business. I mentioned that I stayed at the Hilton Waikoloa Village on the Big Island. She grimaced and thought it was a cheesy resort. I responded, "Well, that's all I could afford. I couldn't afford to stay at the Fairmont Orchid." I was *this close* to point out that she's never had to pay out-of-pocket to stay at the tony, five-star resorts, so she really has no basis to be so uppity.

Salary
Friend B and I were talking about someone who quit her job out of frustration and is now a stay at home mother. The SAHM supposedly said, "I just want a $50,000/year, 9 to 5 job." Friend B said, "Why bother to go back to work for just $50k/year?" Really? Is $50k/year a mere pittance? It made me wonder.

I want to make clear, that none of this discussion made me want to run out on a spending binge to Keep Up with the Joneses. But there was a nagging sense within me that I'm pathetic. It's just depressing that at my age and salary, I still live in a 1 BR rented apartment furnished with hand-me-down, mismatched furniture. I don't have fancy-schmancy electronic devices. (For Pete's sake, I don't even have an iPod shuffle or a digital camera!) I also felt pathetic that I had to defend why I can't buy a 50-inch HDTV, a Wii, an iPhone, stay at 5-star $500/night hotels, etc.

I guess I should always remind myself of the Aesop's Fable of the Ant and the Grasshopper. I'm hoping that the sacrifices I make today will pay dividends in the future.

Admin Assistant's Day Gift Fail

Three of us in the office decided to give the admin assistants in our office boxes of awesome cookies from a local bakery. If Yelp opinions are any indication, they ARE quite killer. The cookies aren’t that cheap either. Each cookie costs $1.75 and a Baker’s half-dozen (i.e., 7 cookies) costs $9.75.

I collected money from my co-workers, purchased the cards, the cookies and wrapped the boxes in a cute cellophane wrapper. Split three ways, the three of us contributed about $10 each.

We presented the cookies to the first admin assistant who verbally thanked us. The second admin assistant didn’t come in until a couple of hours later so we left the cookies and card on her desk.

When the second admin assistant came in, I heard her say, “What’s this? Oh NOOOO!! Fatty food! I can’t eat THIS!” I heard the first admin assistant agreeing. The second admin assistant later sent an insincere thank-you email. When I walked by the first admin assistant’s desk later in the day, she said, “Oh, I’m trying not to touch the cookies.”

Okaaaay. Fine. I realize the cookies weren’t expensive and I (we) didn’t put much thought into it other than that I LOVE the cookies. And I also didn’t realize that either of these ladies was on a diet. After all, the first admin assistant is frequently eating local Mexican take-out. (Here's a diet tip: Cut out the daily breakfast burrito.) The second admin assistant previously brought supermarket brownies and day-old discount donuts to work, so how was I supposed to know?

These gals are certainly entitled to their opinions. After all, I too have received chintzy gifts and wondered, "WTF?" But I always kept my petty thoughts to myself.

These are one of those moments where I just wanted to say, “Today is a bogus day where we have to thank you for doing a job that you're paid to do. If you don’t like the gifts, you gals should complain about it outside of our earshot. Better yet, you should’ve complained about how cheap we were on Twitter or on your blog.”

I don't know about you, but my $10 would've been better spent elsewhere. I swear. Sometimes I prefer the company of my cat versus my fellow human beings.

Another Reason to Be Financially Responsible

Being in my mid-to-late 30's, I seem to get hit on by three distinct group of men: unhappily married men, divorced men or "men" in their 20s. I'm really not interested in dating right now, but the older I get, I may start preferring younger men to divorcees. After all, divorced men may carry more baggage than American Airlines. (Yes, yes, I know. The older I get, the younger guys are less likely to find me as desirable. I get it.) And do I really need to explain why married men are a no-no?

And before you rag on me about my comment about divorced men, keep in mind that the same thing can be said about older, unattached women like me and I don't necessarily disagree. Case in point, read Joe's comment as to why some older men date age-inappropriate younger women.

Anyhow, what is a cougar, you ask? Well, the primary definition would be:



In the 80's, it included:


But I'm talking about:


For you young'uns:


And if you want "cougar" described in modern terms, Urban Dictionary provides "colorful" definitions.

According to Digital City:

The cougar's diet consists of two main staples: fine food and younger men. After having lived a little longer and being pretty prosperous, they have the money to spend on the finer things in life.

For this reason, you'll find these ladies dining at hip and/or high-end establishments where they can brandish their American Express cards while paying for caviar and lobster. Of course, she'll often be accompanied by an attractive younger man.

Hmmmm.... okay. I've definitely lived a little longer. But I'm definitely not "pretty prosperous". After all, I have shloads of debt and I definitely don't have money to blow right now.

Digital City also claims:

Once the predator has caught her prey, she will treat him to many of the finer things that she herself has been enjoying.

Hmmmm... I can barely afford the finer things in life for myself now, much less my "prey".

I guess this gives me new motivation to become financially responsible and independent. I'm not seeking financial security for myself. Oh, no. It's so I can find validation of my self-worth through a cougar-prey! Yes, yes. That will be my new goal in life - - to become a financially responsible cougar.

Twisted Thoughts Re: Gifts from the Big Bang Theory

I love the show, The Big Bang Theory. (I have to admit, I heart nerds.) I wish I could say I resemble and relate most to Penny, the "pretty-girl, next-door" character. Instead, the character I resemble most is Sheldon, the condescendingly verbose nerd who lacks basic social graces and common-sense. That should give you an idea why I'm still single.

Anyhoo, here's a classic quip from Sheldon re: the custom of gift-giving.

"You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing? I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift -- You've given me an obligation. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. ... Oh, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life."

I have to admit, I kind'a agree with Sheldon on this issue, except the last sentence. (I wonder if this is why I can never seem to accept gifts graciously? Hmmm...) Coincidentally, I'll be purchasing a "reciprocating gift" for a friend this weekend. Oh, and probably something for the admin staff next week. (Admin Assistant's day is 4/22!)

Hope you all have a great weekend. :-D